it begins all again

You can be so happy
that you get all afraid
That what fills you up
could be taken away
So you worry and fret
that this joy that you feel
Is as good as it gets
or it might not be real
And this worry you have
it can make you feel weak
Like dark clouds overhead
you start to feel bleak
You move a lot slower
and your voice now is low
Your view of the world
doesn't have the same glow
This darkness it grips you
and you start to now be
So consumed by its grasp
that you need to break free
It's pulling and tugging
a fight deep within
Then something now breaks
tears roll off your chin
The shadows they lift
the sun's out again
The fear has now gone
this wasn't the end
So you pick yourself up
more love now to send
And then the whole cycle
begins all again.

I remember there's birds

And after all that we've done

After all we've been through

I still catch my breath

As I'm looking at you

It makes me feel warm

And I curl up my toes

And my tummy feels light

And I wrinkle my nose

I could be stood in the middle

Of the busiest street

Amongst all the traffic

With no shoes on my feet

But I wouldn't notice

And I wouldn't care

Because I'm feeling the sun

And I'm breathing the air

And in that little moment

When you say those 3 words

I remember there's flowers

I remember there's birds.

to live out our dreams

I said goodbye to you tonight

Walked paths of leaves and fallen dreams

I no longer hold you tight

I'm not bursting at the seams

Now I'm empty and I'm void

My expiry date has passed

But this wasn't meant for ever

It wasn't meant to last

I wandered down a road

And had found me in this place

The same is held within

But now I wear a different face

A silent undercurrent

That carries thoughts away

And leaves marks along the banks

Like the ripples on the bay

My time here now has reached an end

I'd said I'd know it when

I'd finished all I had to do

And would return again

Under a watchful London Eye

You're not with me in this place

But I know you're by my side

In the light I see your face

So I'll leave you in the Autumn

And you'll meet me in the spring

I'm coming home to you

To share our life and live our dreams 

what I see now is us

When I look in your eyes

I don't see you

I don't see depth

I don't see blue

I don't see lips

So full, so true

I don't see love

Or the fragrance of you

Doesn't fill up my senses

And make me feel weak

Reaching up for your hand

As you're stroking my cheek

I don't see a man

That's learned of life's knocks

And ridden the waves

Recovered from shocks

I don't see a man who's given himself

To make my life be

Full of love

And of wealth

The wealth of another

To have them complete

By your side on your path

Or sitting on the same seat

I don't see a man

With a generous heart

Who won't let me guess

Who won't let me part

But sat waiting for me

And making things clear

I was loosing myself

As I always was here

And I don't see a man

Who shared the same dream

And saw the same face

And pulled the same seam

What I see is a man 

Who makes my heart beat

Who makes my lungs fill

Who makes me complete

My visions a blur

My thoughts are a buzz

It's not you that I see

What I see now is us.

that will not go

Living out the love songs

Read between the lines

Every time my heart beats

Every clock that chimes

It counts another moment

It finds another place

Where your eyes will meet with mine

Where your hands are on my face

And we sleep with bodies touching

Wrapped around with arms and legs

And your nose rests on my temple

And my mind is full of dregs

That are slowly leaving off now

And leaving us alone

New beginnings made together

Another half that will not go.

a new life to live

When I'm with you
The rest disappear
They slip far away
With the stroke of my ear
And your hand on my cheek
You're cupping my face
And holding me close
Anchored into this place
And it's not about land
Or constellations in the sky
It's having you near
And being there by your side
And without the words
I know what you feel
Your lips they are mine
And your kisses I steal
And the more that I take
The more that you give
There were lives once before
And a new life to live.

what it is

We know what we want
We know we want this
And now we can grieve
For days that we missed
Spent wandering around
And trying new things
And making mistakes
And making new dreams
And going in circles
And finding the line
And finding our truth
And finding the time
To only discover
It always was this
And we know now for sure
What it is we would miss... x

I'm coming back for you now

Beautiful insomnia
When real life it seems
Like it couldn't get better
Like you're living your dreams
I look at your face
And I feel I am home
I know you're my one
I know you won't go
That you'll stand by my side
And you'll be my best friend
You won't let me cry
And your love will not end
You've waited for me
And you've seen me be strong
Que sera, what will be
But now it feels like too long
Since you held my right hand
And you stroked my smooth face
Since we breathed the same air
Lay in the same place
Our secret love
That only we knew
You have been there for me
And I've been there for you
The world has gone round
And the tides have gone out
And no one else knew
What our lives were about
But the stars lit the sky
And the sun rose again
The tides lap the bay
J'adore et je t'aime
Yes we met once before
But it wasn't our time
There were gullys to cross
There were mountains to climb
And you wondered through years
What had happened to me
Did I think then of you
Was it you I could see
Well yes it was you
It always has been
But you weren't in my life
And you weren't in my dreams
You were there in my heart
You were with me each day
As I was finding myself
You were finding your way
And I could not believe
When you found me again
But you said you won't leave
You said you're my friend
And you were true to your word
And you've been all the things
That you promised to me
That I wished in my dreams
Our lives have aligned
From two sides of the world
You're my beautiful man
I'm your beautiful girl
You're awake when I sleep
And I dream while you wake
But we've found our true love
And we've lived for love's sake
Now we'll never let go
And we'll never know how
But our paths crossed again
I'm coming back for you now.

nothing but you

You ask me what I want
I'll say I dont want much
I want to be wanted
I want your touch

I want your hands on my face when you kiss me
I want the taste of your lips
I want to sleep there beside you
Brushing our fingertips

I want my face in your neck
Hearing the sound of my name
Feeling the beat of your heart
Knowing you feel the same

I want the smell of you
Clinging onto my clothes
I want a secret love
That no one else knows

I want to throw caution to the wind
And plunge into the deep
I want to live out our dreams
Make love while we sleep

I want to stand side by side
With your hand on my back
I want to stare at the world
Knowing Im on the right track

I want love and respect
And to share the same truth
I'll count the stars in the skies
I want nothing but you.

you're not looking back

The sun shines through the window

it's a beautiful morning

there are buds of new things

for new times, and new dawnings

Your head aches from sleep

But your done with the yawning

And you reach for the sky

New energy forming

The trees brush the rooftops

And the flowers hug the paths

You're looking past clouds

And you're not looking back.

I'm by your side...

Sometimes when the world is blue

And no one seems to look at you

The days you live just to get through

And everyone belongs but you

Then think of me in that far off place

I call your name, I see your face

Our lives are but a memory trace

But hold on still with love and grace

And know that there is something deep

Surpassing time, this town, this street

And every time you cannot sleep

Or when the climb it feels too steep

Know that on the other side

I wait for you

And cry inside

For love and peace and better times

I am not far

I'm by your side.

hurt

hurt is when your tummy aches

your shoulders hunch

your hands they shake

your mind is in a hazy blur

she thinks of him

he thinks of her

you stand alone

you don't go far

you can't go on

you know you are

penetrable from every side

but you can't run

and you can't hide

the wind alone is your embrace

the sun shines on

and sees your face

the tears they fall

just like the rain

a distant call

the deepest pain

and then you find a strength inside

won't let you freeze

won't let you hide

but makes you move

and carry on

your head held high

the pain has gone

it's buried deep

and wrapped around

a tender soul

you're on the ground

the birds they sing

their evening song

and tell you now

it won't be long

the buds will open

the garden bloom

this is your time

give love, make room.

I don't say it enough

She was wrinkled and pink

When you first saw her face

You didn't know what to think

When you stood in that place

Abated, elated

You lived life for this day

And will live now for her

You were scared and afraid

Your world it had changed

And your outlook was new

No longer the same

Once she came into view

And you looked at them both

Your two little girls

In your throat, the words choked

For all you need in this world

Is their love and their faith

You'd do anything for them

And your word is your bond

Again and again

You will give all you have

And you'll do what is right

That to love them is all

And for them you will fight

Even if they are wrong

And even if you can't see

Why they do all those things

So differently

Everything you have done

And everything that you do

Is always for them

And is never for you

And then they grow up

All at once, overnight

And you worried they'd leave

And be out of your sight

Your own little girl

With the stars in her eyes

She'll go travel the world

She will soar through the skies

And she'll fight for what's right

She'll remember your words

As she carves out her path

And she lives for what's hers

And you cannot do more

But sit back now and trust

She'll take care of herself

And she'll do what she must

Doing only the things

That let her fly free

And leave her fulfilled

And make her happy

And she can do anything

That her heart tells her to

She believes in herself

Because she knows you do too

For you are her rock

And for that she is glad

I don't say it enough,

That

I love you

Dad.

coming in from the storm

It's one of those nights
where the air rushes round
and rattles the windows
an ominous sound

And the leaves they look ghostly
As they tap on the glass
And cling to the branches
Til the storm comes to pass

The clouds they are dark
And they hang in the air
Churning and stiring
Whiping your hair

I see you rush to me
Dashing on down the path
Hugging yourself
And not looking back

Your fingers are pink
They reach for the bell
You lick salt from your lips
And you bite them as well

I rush down all the stairs
And I open the door
You stand there and look
Dripping rain on the porch

And I gather you in
You are wet in my hands
But I'm pulling you in
And unzipping your pants

And you pull off your shirt
And your arms come around
You're lifting me up
Sweep my feet off the ground

I'm held in your arms
And I kick at the door
Wondering how it will be
But I know I am sure

Your skin it is warm
And I feel through my dress
The beat of your heart
The thump in your chest

You carry me up
I feel lighter than air
Your hand's on my waist
You're smelling my hair

You carry me in
Lay me down on the bed
You're my shield from the dark
You are holding my head

And you say, "hello you"
And you're glad you came back
The storm's getting louder
There's a thunderous clap

Your eyes they look at me
And your kissing it fits
You stop and you smile
And we know this is it

"You're so beautiful, baby"
And you pull up the sheets
And I'm lay in your arms
I feel humble and weak

I'm cupped in your hands
And we don't want to move
Feeling our skin
Feeling our groove

You're tracing my shape
And you won't let me go
There are words in my ear
But I don't want to know

And at some point we wake
We had drifted asleep
There are hands in my hair
And a kiss on my cheek

And I'm wrapped all around you
Thinking this is a dream
But your breath it is real
So I pull at the seam

And I'm bursting into
This small bubble of time
The whole world is outside
And right now you are mine

The lighting is pink
On the cusp of the dawn
As we lay side by side
Coming in from the storm.

without you...

I remember the day

That we got the sad news

The day we were told

That we had lost you,

I'd been out for the day

And when I came home

The air was too still

For everyone home

I knocked on the door

And I saw in her face

That something was up

Things felt out of place

So I asked what it was

And she told me at once

That we'd lost you today

She put up no fronts

I walked through the room

He was sat on the floor

I could see in his eyes

As I stood in the door

That his world now had changed

And that made him seem small

It won't be the same

Without you to call

No more words of advise

No more stories to tell

Of your time before ours

Of you wishing us well

He was sat on the ground

With the phone in his hands

His loved ones around

In a foreign, strange land

His face it was empty

His colour was drained

Knowing you as you were

We'd never see you again

And I turned in the door

And I walked far away 

Going down past our path

Walking out through the gate

The moon it was high

And the air it was still

I felt the cool breeze

I felt a deep chill

That crept up through my bones

And rippled my skin

Knowing all that was left

Was your memory within

And I walked down the road

Kicking gravel and stones

Not wanting to stop

Or to be in our home

I needed some time

To process this news

And think of our lives

Going on without you

The tears as they fell

I thought they weren't mine

There was too much to feel

In this moment in time

So I stopped moving forward

I stopped in my tracks

I turned on my heels

I turned to head back

And I got to the house

They all were still there

She reached for my hands

She stroked down my hair

And he sat at the table

And he looked in my eyes

The pain that we felt

Would never subside

There was nothing to say

And nothing to do

But accept the sad news

And go on without you.

xx

not good enough for me

I spent ages deciding
What clothes I should wear
I used the last of my perfume
And I played with my hair
Straightening the curls
And smoothing it down
Catching myself in the mirror
Twirling around
Holding myself
In a flattering pose
Painting my lips  
Dusting my nose
Taking one last look
At my face in the glass
Wondering what you might think
Will you approve, will I pass?
And I smiled as I walked
To the station for you
Wondering what we might say
Wondering what we might do
It took over an hour
And my tummy wouldn't rest
Sending flutters of feeling
Up into my chest
Catching glances of me
In the reflection on windows
A stranger who saw me
He gets it, oh he knows
It was all over my face
And in every step
A second chance came today
You're still there, you've not left
And I waited for you
And I straighten my dress
Running hands through my hair
Felt the breath in my chest
And I'm biting my lip
And I'm tugging my ear
My breathing it quickens
Because soon you'll be here
I'm waiting for you
I know you are near
The moment is close
More hope than there's fear
But soon I will realise
As the leaves start to stir
It's been over an hour
And still your not here
People they pass me
As they walk down the street
Off to see friends
Or to pubs where they'll meet
Someone like you
With a confident smile
And a freshness
An energy
And they'll stay for a while
And when they look at me
I feel sudden shame
That I realised too late
You're not coming today
I get back on the train
And I'm sitting alone
I'm staring, unblinking
I switch off my phone
I was excited to see you
We'd made special plans
Now I'm hiding my tears
And I'm ringing my hands
I stare in the distance
An indefinable dot
Holding me captive
Making me rot
But then a stranger looks at me
He smiles, and I see
There are other people out there
And you're not good enough for me.

someone near

I smile at the stranger
As we're riding the tube
And I'm wanting to say
"Why, hello," / "how are you?"

And I'll mean it, if I say it
It's not just a line
I care how you are
In this moment in time

I feel love in an instant
With my heart on my sleeve
The old man on the bench
That I passed on the street

With no one beside him
And no one around
He shuffles his feet
He stares at the ground

And the dirty old worker
With dust on his hands
And eyes that are heavy
Lives not gone to plan

And the mother and baby
With crumbled up clothes
And fistfuls of toast
And snot on their nose

And the bloke in the suit
With the confident grin
And the bulge of his case
What a burden to win

And the girl in reflection
Who's eyes are so bright
But no one looks at her
She's not in their sight

And these people they see me
And me, I see them
They're there at the start
And they're there at the end

But we walk like we're dead
And we utter no sound
Our senses are numb
We float on the ground

With feet disconnected
We're sweeping on through
All the days and the nights
Something borrowed, something blue

With the anguish for families
Who live far away
And pain over people
Who aren't in our day

There are too many people
Who all clutch at my heart
But you can't be here with me
And it tears me apart

So I sit in the the middle
Of some 9 million peeps
We ride the same trains
We walk the same streets

But not a single one
For miles around
Can give back this feeling
And I think I am bound

To be solo in life
And that racks me with fear
Because I hate being solo
And I want someone near.

we can't give it back

it doesn't get easier
it just stops being new
my days carry on
I think less now of you

but the importance I place
on different things
doesn't take it away
what the thought of you brings

you're still the same you
and I'm still the same me
we've just gone separate ways
we've moved on, we are free

but all that we shared
it is frozen in time
and we can't give it back
for it's auld lang syne.

hanging on...

hanging on to the last
like a child with a balloon
that wants to float away

over rooftops and treetops
over the hills
and the bay

getting smaller and smaller
until the colour has faded
and what's left
is a dot on the horizon
flickering
and then gone.

what they were

does she look at me and think the same
not knowing me except my name
and thinks I play a better game
I hold his heart, I stake my claim

or is it me that looks at her
her flawless skin, her silky hair
an easy smile, no fears, no care
for her he'll be forever there

I caught his eye, he watched me walk
we laughed and cried, and talked and talked
I held his hand and shared his bed
and made him smile with things I said

he kissed me once, he kissed me twice
he stroked my hair, it felt so nice
I fed his eager appetite
we played the day, and dreamt the night

I cursed that she had met him first
his broken heart from her, I nursed
but here it is, true love reversed
a second chance, a void traversed

or will i be compared to her
and will i be abhored by her
be not distinct, but just a blur
a bitter taste, of what they were.