my happy place

There are walls I can climb
There are fields, they are green
Do you know what they said
When I entered the scene?

This place it is yours
Run hither and to
No need to wear shoes
No harm here for you

The spongy new plant beds
Pink petals for toes
And buttercups shine sunlight
Right under your nose

My hair it flew free
Catching light in the air
No watch on my wrist
No time and no care

This place is not real
But I go when I choose
Escaping the darkness
Escaping my blues

remember me to them

You might just be the only person who did not make me angry
You might just be the only person who did not make me cry
You always had hands that would hold me and soothe me
You always had time to let my heart sigh

I remember those hands
I can picture them now
They always were soft
And I'll never know how

I'd look at those hands
I'd picture the scenes
Of you fighting with guns
Of you wiping them clean

Of babies you'd held
Of fences you'd fixed
Of dirty old tyres
Of rubble and sticks

You were strong, you were noble
You always stood tall
Your stories you told me
I'll remember them all

In my eyes you were stronger
Than any man was
You were gentle and caring
A hero to us

Someday I will find you
And tell you these things
That no matter what happens
You'll live on in my dreams

You were the greatest grandfather
One day you had said:
"I love you more than you realise"
And that stayed in my head

The day that we lost you
I remember it well
Because I realised that day...
Just what you had felt

Your loss on this earth
Was felt in my heart
A hole now is left there
You carry that part

And someday I will find you
And I'll take it again
My hand will hold yours
Grandfather and friend.

absolution

That feeling of quiet, calm
Solid certainty
A rock in the middle of a whirling pool
Snippets catch you
Gently tugging
But you are in a vacuum
Of your own consciousness
Certain, for a time
Complete in this moment
Having given yourself permission.

It's ok to be who you are
Your choices are right
And your feelings are true
You know what to do.

Fragments of time collect in a bucket by the well
Stories of friends, of lovers
And of new beginnings yet to behold.
A melting pot of colour
Like oil on a puddle
Of life
Of visceral memories
Unique and complete, belonging only to you.

With them you are never alone,
You are absolute.

too scared to say that i love you

Living in bubbles
Those blissful times where there is no-one
And nothing outside of you
And me

Smiles that stretch
From cheek-to-cheek
Heartbeats in my ear, no days of the week

Soft kisses stolen
Under the breeze of my window
A gentle hand sweeps, and holds onto my elbow

My face in your hands
Small circles you make
My mouth swells to yours, to give and to take

A cool, autumn night
But we let in the air...
Our bodies are warm, we really don't care

We lit a candle and nothing was said
But I knew what you felt
As we climbed into bed

The heavens they opened and the rain it fell down
I was soft in your arms
I'll remember that sound

I felt my chest rise
And I felt my chest fall
The slowest of movements, encompassing all...

...I hear your heart beat
And I sense you are breathing
Tonight is the night, for dreaming then sleeping

~

And the bubble it bursts
With the breaking of dawn
The pull of your tummy, the stretch of a yawn

So many things I just couldn't say
As our bodies lay naked
In the first light of day

I listened to you breath - your body by mine
But it was already over
That moment of time

We walked along paths of soggy, brown leaves
We ducked under trees
And felt the cool breeze

The crowds they closed in and we were out there again
On the streets of grey London
Two faces, no name

You walked by my side, but already you'd gone
Goodbyes come too early...

Again, we're alone.

i shed a tear for you today

I shed a tear for you today
A small flutter of feeling rising from my tummy
It reached my chest constricting and then released
And with it fell a tear
A tear for you
And for what you were to me

And what you are no more

Your ghost rode the bus with me

I did not turn to look

Because I knew you were there

Your energy fizzed and popped 

Ghostlike fingers grabbed at my waist

Small carbons within jumping in memory

As I remembered your touch 

On my soul

Suspended in a chalice of time

My breath fell short

But then deep breaths filled me again
Swelling my chest
Lifting me up

And I remembered the places we walked together

And talked together

A time in our life that was complete

Our world for a time

But then things changed

Like the seasons and like the tides

That bittersweet surrender
To something out of our control

Our time had come

We let go of our hands...

Two steps forward

And one glance back

A smile

A dip of the head

And then it was gone

A new direction with one tiny inching of one tiny toe

Permenant etches of time

~

The flutters subside
The tears run off my chin
And I know it will always be there

Within

lady of grey

You used to live here
With your fair golden hair
And your eyes of bright green
And your plans and your dreams

You used to be here
Frantic ripples of air
Embracing the time
No fear and no care

But now you have gone
And who lives in your place?
A lady of grey
No picture, no face

She leans on the gate
And she remembers the scene
When it all seemed so possible
To meet all those dreams

"Why does it always laugh at me?
That looking glass of pinks and greens."
Reflections of a time...
Of what could, and has been.